Toronto
2 min

Your underwear’s talking

How to tell if he's trendy or traditional

DROP TROU. It's the easiest kind of personality test. Credit: David Hawe

The club is loud so it’s not his conversation that charms you. He’s the hunkiest stud who responds at this hour and you have just enough energy to fuck if you leave right now. You take him home, offer him a drink. Gorgeous face, killer smile. The moment of undress arrives, as the shirt comes off revealing juicy pecs and washboard abs. Another perfect specimen, sure, but you can still tell them apart by their briefs.



Drop your eyes to the shorts enwrapping his tight butt and impressive package, look to the label and you can foresee in these first few moments what awaits you in the hours and – dare we dream? – days to come. His underwear can reveal his sexual and chemical preferences and his long-term relationship potential. Warning! Trends constantly evolve, so update your knowledge frequently by shopping on-line and at your local underwear boutique.



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DOLCE & GABANNA



Zoom in on boxer briefs, microfibre, black, $50. This guy has taste, brains and money, but loves himself a little too much. He will lie back and let you do him, while he watches in the mirror. Then grab the mirror and lay it on the bed, because he loves coke and Viagra almost as much as himself.



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JOCKEY



Zoom in on tighty whities, 100 percent cotton, $3.33.



His mother buys them 3 for $10 in the US. She will become a problem in your life. He loves pot and wants you to fuck him.



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PUNTO BLANCO



Zoom in on action boxer, microfibre, white with red trim, $45. Cheating on his partner. Horny as a goat and will do whatever you want, as long as it involves lots of kissing and hugging and sucking on fingers, toes and wherever. No drugs necessary.



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EVERLAST



Zoom in on jersey boxer, 100 percent cotton, gold, $35. Athletic type or wannabe, but what’s the difference? Likes roleplay; on other nights you’ll find him in a leather jockstrap. Your nipples will be raw in the morning, but the ass slapping makes it all worthwhile! Pot ‘n’ poppers. Not into long-term relationships.



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2(x)IST



Zoom in on thong, microfibre, black, $35. Why didn’t you notice in the bar that he never stops talking? You have to keep your dick in his mouth to make him shut up. He will fall asleep that way until you will wake him up and tell him to go home.



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CALVIN KLEIN



Zoom in on stretch trunk, 100 percent cotton, white, $20. Under 25 he’s an unimaginative shopper, any older he’s a hopeless conformist. Travis Fimmel is hot, but you can look at the advertising without purchasing the product, you know! Likes to watch porn while you suck him off. Cigarettes, coffee and cough syrup.



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BODY BODY WEAR



Zoom in on pouch boxer, cotton/Spandex, black, $25. Party boy! GHB and ecstacy and everything else. Waiter or retail. Knows nothing about sex but eager to learn. You’ll stay up all night trying to make him cum.



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JOE BOXER



Zoom in on novelty boxers, 100 percent cotton, loud pattern, $30. He waits to the last minute to do laundry and has friends with a juvenile sense of humour. He will drink your refrigerator dry. A lot of fun under the sheets, but keep a bucket handy.